I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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