I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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