Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff