The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.