yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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