I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
