ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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