We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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