My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
zippers are such a cool invention
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
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