i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
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