i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
