Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
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