I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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