Your tits are I can't wait for
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Randomize
