Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
The ass gains better be worth it
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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