I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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