he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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