were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
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