I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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