Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
