It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
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