i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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