I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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