i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
