I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Randomize