I think im going to throw up on grandma
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
