I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Randomize