there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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