Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Randomize
