sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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