By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
