It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
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