why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
