There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Randomize
