your parents love me but you hate me
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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