I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
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