Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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