I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.