i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Randomize
