The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
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