well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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