I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
it hurts more in the daytime
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
