I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
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That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
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This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.