i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that