Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
