three words: i give head
three words: not that well
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I just forgot I was standing up.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
