So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
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