Redeem this text for a blowjob
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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