I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
