I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
