On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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