I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Randomize
