Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Randomize
