allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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