His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
