I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
can u get pink eye on your cock?
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
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